Tuesday, December 23, 2014

First of all, thanks to everyone who prayed for me for my port placement. It went in like a charm with no side effects from anesthesia. Thank you Lord!
Before the port I had a real roller coaster ride. We had a 10am appointment with the oncologist before the port placement. I was expecting NOTHING new at this appointment. Well, that didn’t happen. The doctor expressed real concern over the ordeal I had been through. This barrage of side effects was not expected. We can never know how much the influenza added to my problems, but she has to believe I had a reaction (allergic not side effects) to one of the three drugs. Now I’ll tell you another secret. At the first “class” I was told about this tiny percentage of people who go through cancer treatment without any hiccups along the way. This meant no hospitalizations or odd side effects. I decided in my heart then and there to be in that number and on day 9 was hospitalized. Now I was being told I’m in some tiny percentage of people who can’t handle the gold standard cure for my disease. What? Excuse me? I’m a failure at being a cancer patient? Well, that’s how I took it at first anyway. And, it was the first time a tear fell out of my eye in front of a medical person. I feel sorry for that. I know she felt bad enough before I let that happen.
So what happens next? Do I make new goals? I think not. They are too performance based and I literally have no control over my body’s reactions anyway. Instead, after a fretful night and a wonderful chat and prayer session with my beloved Walt (have I told you how much I love this man?), I am thinking I need to change my thinking.  
First thing that came to mind was our pastor’s sermon from Sunday. Fr. Michael said the highest level of spiritual growth was to surrender. That means a lot of things to a lot of people, but as we look at Mary the mother of God, we see a difficult life full of surrender moment by moment to the will of God. Another words, “Thy will be done” and really mean it. What a place of no anxiety. What a place of trust. What a place to behold the face of God. I guess I’m beginning to think that Mary was actually a woman who could go with the flow. She wasn’t emotionless, but she was never doom and gloom. She just looked for what God would be doing next in response to the circumstances.
So what does that mean in my life today? Well, I’ve had all that prayer so I guess I don’t need that gold standard drug anyway. I have an oncologist who is working overtime to make my life more comfortable. I need to say thank you for that! She has decided the best thing is to delay treatment by a week so I will not be having chemo tomorrow. I can worry. But I’m choosing not to. I need a week to get stronger to feel ready for another dose. What’s the bright side here? I’m going to get to have a glass of wine with Walt on Christmas and celebrate the birth of Our Savior with a pretty sure thing of feeling at least as good as I do right now. I have no food restrictions until New Year's Eve. My prognosis has not changed. Thank you Lord for an oncologist who believes she can get me cured from cancer without me being miserable all the time. Thank you Lord that I have mega prayer power behind my healing so I know you will give my oncologist wisdom. And thank you, Lord, that when I have a bad day like yesterday, you will use those I love to get me back on track. And thanks for the roller coaster that helped me to grow. Life without faith is no life for me. Or anyone.

One other side effect that my body reacted extremely to is the hair loss thing. At Dr. Mina’s encouragement, I had Walt shave what was left on my head (not much) this morning. I had the most comfortable sleep that I’ve had in weeks. I had never heard that losing your hair in chemo was painful, but it is! Putting my head on my pillow has been a slow decline into extreme discomfort. If you’re a girl, think about what it’s like when you have a pony tail in too long or you suddenly try to change your part that you’ve had for years. This is the feeling at every root because they are all dead shafts. Ouch! So now, no hair, no pain. I’m okay with that. 


Merry Christmas!

10 comments:

  1. Love You Sister! My sister made herself head dresses. My sister in law was very brave and went bald - in public - .
    The Lord will Bless your decision.

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  2. Praying that through it all, you and your family sense the very real presence of Christ walking beside you every moment, his arms wrapping you in peace and comfort that can only be from him. <3 Love, Marie

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  3. Pam, I have been reading since the start (well catching up) of this blog, and it seems you are taking this very well with no nonsense in the way we've come to expect from you. We all react differently and while the magnitude is nowhere near close, I'm still recovering from oral surgery 2 weeks ago, I understand the disappointment at not healing quickly. I'll say an extra prayer for you (and Walt and everyone else) this Christmas Eve and I hope to see you again cancer-free!

    -John Broxup (POP-Buffalo)

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  4. Dear Pam -- I am so thankful for your faith, and for your wisdom in accepting this journey moment by moment and day by day. May God's peace be with you and Walt and all you family this Christmastide. Be assure of my continued prayers! Love, Sam

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  5. Thanks for your message of trust and surrender. God doesn't need gold standard drugs to heal you. I'm praying for you sister!

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  6. Pam,
    Your words and difficulties show me how depending we all are, moment by moment on God's loving mercy and provision. But we who are not in the crucible of suffering can be duped into thinking life is some other kind of arrangement, something we in control of. May waves of great love wash over you, and Holy Spirit, send your healing quickly. STEVE FORBES

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  7. Love you Pam. Wish I could give you big healing hugs right now. You are in my prayers always. Thank you for the words in your blog. They are a balm to all who read them. May your Christmas w/ the family & your friends keep you peaceful. Will pray that the pain subsides. Your tear was a good thing. It can relieve the tension & carry the anxiety out of you. Merry Christmas to you &that Wonderful Walt guy, too. Henry & Norma

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  8. You are a true witness of Christ! I pray I may have the same YES as Mary did and as you are doing. I am praying for you and hope you have a very Merry Christmas. Love, Shauna Mianecki

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  9. Merry Christmas dear Pam You have a gift of seeing the truth that brings life and hope. May you experience the joy and tenderness that was born this day! Love to you, Kara

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  10. David and Christina Wittgens and 5 little kids are praying for you!

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